||A More Humane Mikado
||Gilbert and Sullivan
A More Effective Manager
(to the tune of A More Humane Mikado
from Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado".)
by Brad Needham
A more effective manager never did LDP produce.
For months, I've been hearing top management jeering each schedule we introduce
For every schedule ever written has slipped to varied extents.
This grave disaster I soon will master
by jailing incompetents.
Their punishment, all sublime, embodies this paradigm:
to let the schedule fit the time
the schedule fit the time
and make each estimate consequently necessitate
the thing's completion upon the date
completion upon the date.
The furniture mover erratically shuffling causing confusion and fuss:
We'll move his apartment into a compartment aboard an interstate bus.
Committees deliberate, morning to evening, implementation details.
They're found in loud bunches debating their hunches on what "loosely-coupled" entails.
The marketing zealot who preannounces each technological leap
shall find that his peers preannounced by three years the hotel where he's scheduled to sleep.
The assembly-line hacker whose constant rewriting annihilates his afternoons
shall find his job usurped by a mob of hyperactive baboons.
The jargon speaker is trapped by his fellows who never use english too much.
They utter most freely pig-latin, swahili, chinese, esperanto, and dutch.
The seeming dyslexic who disregards documents over one page and a-half
is jailed where he grovels interpreting novels transmitted by telegraph.
The man-month thinker who adds more bodies the later a project becomes
to keep working faster must, each morning, master an extra set of thumbs.
The fellow whose schedules never consider that murphy's spirit intrudes
is placed where he begs to boil "three-minute" eggs at very high altitudes.