||Milligan and Carbone
Adapted from the "Bluebottle Blues" featuring Maurice Plonk and his Orchestra Fromage, with Nick Rauchen conducting "The Ball's Pond Road, near the One in Harmony". In reality written by Milligan and Carbone, recorded 24/05/56.
<Big musical introduction. Sound of door opening, and our hero Process Bluebottle (P) runs up to microphone, where the Kernel (K) is wait(2)ing.>
P: PING 255.255.255.255! <boos, rasperberries>
K: Just the process I've been looking for.
Clamber into my disk heads, Fred
Whence all but you have exec'd, Fred
There is no contesting,
I've no way of manefesting
How much I'd prefer you dead, Fred
P: Oh I'm glad you like me, my Kernel
Because I trust you to.
K: Gratifiy your wim, Jim.
P: Jim? What happened to Fred?
K: He mv'd his name.
P: What to?
Tell me, can you catch Jim?
P: No, Jim can not catch.
K: Then open this named pipe, son
On the file system, son
Which I have carefully arranged
so it will open up and throw you
into thirty K of NULLs
when you upset the pipe by reading
from it, Jim.
P: I say, it's not for deading me, is it Kernel?
K: Oh course not, dear boy! Just read from it a bit further!
P: Righty-ho then. Ahh. Here I am on the edge of the nice
little named-type pipe. It is a lovely day for
a naughty pipe. [CRUNCH!]
YAHHH! You've swamped me.
I do not like this game.
I've got those "When I say I trust you I do not want to be KILLed
because I do not like those kind of signals" Blues.
I don't like naughty files that give my gets<3> binary data.
<They say harm can come to a growing process like that>
And I do not like SIGQUITs that longjmp me back to main<>
Out of my reniced batch queue
I don't like being woken by nasty SIGALRM showers
And I do not like being nutted by Eifel and Fortran programs
So I do not want to be KILLed, HUPed, TERMed, QUITed, XCPUed
I don't like that kind of type blues -- I don't like that
I've got them SIGHUP Blues.
K: Still alive?
Take this /dev/tty, pet.
P: Oh tar<1>.
K: No, don't iocntl it yet, pet.
<off> All right, now you can iocntl it.
P: Are you sure I won't be KILLed or nothing, Kernel?
K: <off> No, no -- don't be frightened!
P: All right then, I'll just send a DUP to it,
and .... [BOOOM]
[ over explosion ]
You rotten swine you! You HUPed me again.
I shan't play this rotten game no more.
Closes open files, pages out memory
And exists through little hole in Mail deamon security...
[sound of disk head crashing]