||The Nightmare Song (When you're lying awake)
||Gilbert and Sullivan
Author unknown -- First seen at Cambridge, England
When you try to get work from the data network
When you try to get work from the Data Net-work, and you're tapping the keys with impatience,
It will say it's congested, your code stays untested, all users are waiting for sessions.
For with C.I.P. errors and similar terrors the C.U.D.N. tries to thwart you
And you hit RETURN thrice and ask friends for advice - for again the new system has caught you,
As your password is typed out before it is wiped out (by hitting the button marked CLEAR SCREEN),
And you hit CONTROL/P C and try to get busy at trying to conquer the machine!
Then the system expires and you pull out the wires and you find that the VDU's broken,
Get another one near, then walk out with a jeer for by now it won't let any folk on!
Well at last it permits you to log on and hits you, you join all the users in weeping,
For your session's such pain, and there's so little gain that you'd very much better be sleeping!
For you find your UPDATEing a file, and you're waiting five minutes for ZED to acknowledge,
While the user next door throws a fit on the floor and runs screaming back home to his college;
And you're typing ahead as you're waiting for ZED, then refile to a file that is GUARDed,
But forgot to say YES and you're now in a mess, as you think the result's been discarded;
Then you try to use RUN and it's really no fun, for the scheduler's not very clever,
And you're job's in queue D and you really can't see if it's likely to run now, or ever.
Well you try once again and it runs right as rain, so you have a quick look with COLLECTREAD:
The results of your look - "Standard Fixup" was took - IBM's guess not what you expect/need!
Fortran IV you reject, as you're program's all wrecked, so you dump all your files TLS-wise,
But the filename's too long, ARCHIVE always goes wrong, and you're finding it's too much now, stress-wise!
So at INFO.NEW you look, feeling quite blue, and you find that the CS has faltered:
All the keywords changed round, and you don't like the sound for the language is terribly altered:
For it's IBM-ese, wasn't written to please, though amuses the people who wrote it,
Each command a long word, of the like never heard, some anomalies that you've just noted.
From your work you now rest, see INFO.SUGGEST, which no-body has looked at for ages,
So you try SUGGEST-FILE, and ironically smile, which is better than yielding to rages!
Now with PRINTOUT you fail, it is lost in the mail, and your hair you are frantically tearing,
POST and ROUTE get ignored, once again you've been floored! You log off with a shudder despairing...
You are worn out and tired, feel the chief should be fired,
For he won't sympathise, to use PHX never tries,
And you're angry and cross, with the time that is loss,
With a pain in you brain, swear "no more!" (all in vain!)
For your session's a waste, never more should be faced,
And you're nerves are all frayed, and your output's mislayed,
You can't fix it today, the adviser's away,
And you haven't been lying in clover:
But the session is past, and it's teatime at last,
And the torment's been long, ditto ditto my song,
And thank goodness they're both of them over!