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Original song Unknown
Original artist Unknown
Filk author Falkirk Bard

An IBM User

(A true story of Raw Courage & Human Endeavour)
as chronicled by the Falkirk Bard

An IBM user,
Deciding to temp fate,
Tried to use the Big Computer,
To read his wee mag tape.

He got the job assembled,
Then sent it down the line.
"I hope this thing is fast", he said,
"I want it back in time."

The IBM Computer
Said with a shout of glee,
"Ah-ha a brand new user,
What fun we'll have I see."

The 3081 returned the job,
And the story it did tell,
Was that it couldn't run the job,
'Cause of failure in J. C. L.

After many weeks of trial,
The user jumped for joy.
"It likes my J. C. L. now.
It loves me boy-oh-boy."

But IBM's are playful things
They like to have their fun,
As the user searched his output,
He saw what it had done.

Its latest bit of humour
Was plain for all to see,
It went and killed his job off,
With Abend code 413.

The user got the book down,
Turned to the proper place,
And after careful searching found
Of 413 -- no trace.

Said the user, "I am patient,
I never lose the place,
But if this doesn't work soon,
I'll kick it in the face."

He sent the job back in then,
Without another sound,
But the 3081 replied with,
"System file not found."

"What the hell does this mean?"
Asked the user with a dirty look,
"It's a standard flipping routine,
It says so in the book."

At the place of Foreign Language,
He went to ask of them,
But they replied, "We're sorry,
We don't speak IBM."

But this story has an ending,
When many months later,
The user got his tape read,
By a baby Interdata!

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